I’ve recently experienced severe symptons of anxiety, mainly because of several bad events happening in my life sequentially. This not only had physical side effects such as fast heartrates, shaking and insomia, but mental effects like remembering traumas I’ve had many years ago in my life. This is a very tough situation to be in, because for many days I required constant attention from my friends and family and requiring constant help all the time so I don’t fall into insanity and hurt others emotionally even more. This have backfired and almost made things worse for them, in which I want to apologize for my behaviour.

Fear is a very complex feeling that made a lot of things in life not enjoyable for a long time. For me, it made socializing an almost impossible task to handle if I genuinely like the person because of years of gaslisghtining that others made me believe in and transcended from rational into instinct. It’s like when you touch something very hot and your body reacts at almost instant speed without the need to perceive in your head rationally. That’s why overcoming fears can be as you need to endure the burning pain from something very hot and hold still, ignoring all your body’s instict to try and cool it down.

Despite pain being very uncomfortable, it has a very important role. As we live, we need to learn what’s threatens our lives and avoid us for hurting ourselves in the future. It’s a unique characteristic where you can’t find on bugs, since they have a way shorter lifespan than other species of animals. Fear is also a mechanism to defend ourselves from threat, and it’s really good to have when you have the desire to preserve your life in dangerous situations, like falling from a very high point where it would be lethal. That’s why the environment where you like affects a lot how you’re going to live life afterwards.

Despite fear having a reason to exist, you can always learn wrong things. And when you learn something at the subconscious level, it’s really hard to get you off. I’ve basically learned from wrong people that I’m boring, annoying, have nothing interesting to offer and shoudn’t bother trying to talk to anyone because it would just waste their time since nobody likes me. I even remember the exact time when someone tried to insult me in my back, but haven’t noticed I was in the same room as she was, and I haven’t done anything bad to them, only that I was “annoying”.

This completely shatters my emotional life. For a long time, I could no longer feel interested in someone without the fear of being hurt and made me develop personalities that I wish I could get rid of them. I always have been driven by the people that had an interest in me, and while this is not generally a bad thing, a good portion of them had bad intentions or personalities that I really dislike, but I couldn’t get rid of them because I would basically be alone.

This have always driven my life…
until certain day I tried to overcome it on a lonely day…
and met one of the best friends I ever had.

For the first time, I made a friend because of my own and haven’t dependend on anyone else. We have common interests and shared moments in our lives that we felt pleasure. Developed a strong bond and affection with each other. It was the first time I felt I could do things for my own will. This also made me know more people that are also as amazing, and I couldn’t feel more grateful for it.

No betrayal, no hate, but just love. A brotherly love, so to speak ☺️.

This made me realized that I have to do my best to push through this fear to have someone in my life that I really like, and after many years of learning, I’ve come to a point to understand what love means for a friendship, something that gives a lot of pleasure and a meaning to many questions without a clear answer.

In recent months, this fear came back, with other ones that I didn’t cover here cause it would be too long. I’m both thankful that I have such good friend to help me and sorry for bothering them for a lot of time.

Read this if you have identified as me

Despite everything you have experienced, there are nice people in the world. Getting reluctant about befriending someone won’t help you. You need to push through fear, just like you need to endure pain. This is not a easy task, it requires a lot of prepare, support and love to get through and achieve the things you want. Get professional help if you are able to, despite having friends. Although friends can mean something very precious to life and they could help you, they aren’t prepared to handle your problems and you can actually hurt them if you try to insist.

I’m not 100% fine, but I’m way better than what I was compared to the past days. I learned a lot from my friends and taking care of myself and coming more prepared when something like this happens again.

Conclusion

Again, I want to thank my dearest friends for giving me all the support and love on these rough days. I’m getting better and soon I will be normal and enjoy more moments together.

If you’re lonely, there will always be someone that will like you. You just didn’t found it yet, and I hope that comes as soon as possible.