My mental health have been deteriorating over these months and I’m worried that it’s getting worse. I can’t help but observe the absurds I see during my day and how radicalized the world have become. I genuenily fear those people that mock others because their views and beliefs are different than theirs, going as far as gaslighting the person entirely. I’m no innocent for doing that at some point of my life, but I try to redeem myself and start to have a better construction of words where someone don’t be harrased by me and have a more civil discussion about important things that are generally disregarded because it doesn’t match their views.

For those super skeptical people that might think I may be on a extremist group of some kind, I want to warn that I’m only speaking on behalf of myself, and not for some group of any kind.

Everyone needs help, not just a selective “minority” group of people.

That’s important to say it out loud, because some people just don’t get that everyone have problems in their lives. Just because someone is a “cisgendered white male”, doesn’t mean that he can’t have any form of physical or emotional support. Judging a person solely because of their appearence is just wrong, and it creates a flammable debate about why group X is the root of all evil in this world that in turn radicalize individuals and distance them from each other.

For me, despite being considered a “cinsgendered white male”, I still have my struggles. I have severe ADHD that makes learning very hard for me. Paying attention for a consecutive amount of time is hard and any distractions makes me deviate from what I need to do for hours. I’ve been learning how to better control it since the pandemic, but sometimes I can’t just help myself. I really try, but it’s just not enough.

Despite all my struggles, I’m happy on what I achieved to learn about programming and computer science in general. I really love computers and I try to push it for being my source of living in the future. I’m also grateful for having proper conditions to live a life with dignity and so much more.

But I can’t feel any good

I still feel my life is miserable. I can’t see myself on the goals I try to push and say for my friends and family. I can’t feel joy for doing things that I would enjoy months ago. My only desire I have after work is going to bed and try to sleep, but failing miserably because I still keep using my cellphone. I would even skip some classes at college for that. I would even try to oversleep to not go at work, but I know I’m needed there and also I need to do something at least productive.

My plans doesn’t go as expected

I planned from moving to another place have been delayed because of college, which seems fine at the start but I can’t see any importance of it anymore. My class has a lot of people that brings unorder and chaos. They don’t care about learning and the content, but about partying and using drugs, just like any university student nowadays. Having a 18-22 year gap from others is a lot for zoomers, like I can’t even understand some of the things they’re taking about. They seem to care more about their social media life than real life itself. I don’t want to be friends to this kind of people, they care more about the physical part of life too much, where I try to balance between the physical and spiritual/emotional parts.

I’m burned out

I can’t live my life like this anymore. I want a break from everything. I want to rest for whatever amount of time I need to return with sanity. I want to feel joy again like I have been feeling in the past months. I can’t stay here doing nothing to make my life a bit better and rot for years.

But I’m also tired of trying. My persistance seems to have come to an end, for now, but it also might be just a need to cool my mind off for some time. Still, I feel like I suck, and those that attack people just by their appearence or believes affect me a lot.

I want to believe in a world where I might be able to make a difference and also a better place for everyone, but this agressive and radical dialogue about the opressor and the opressed makes me feel like shit. If that’s what they wanted, congratulations to them. I feel like I’m not entitled for help and by doing that would expose me to evil people that would exploit me and get away from it because they’re a “minority”.

I have different visions about how to make life and society better and end most social pathologies, but with this kind of behaviour I see at college, friends and social media, it makes me feel hopeless, like I’m not entitled to talk about it because “you’re not them, so you can’t speak on behalf of them” and “you can’t interfere with the life of others, we live like we want!”, but then proceeds to dictate how a group of people should behave, otherwise it’s “opression”, even for the same group of people they say they’re defending against the opressors. I’m not denying legitimate opression, but that doesn’t mean we should take sides too early in case of a crisis because one side is more opressed than the other, but to proceed to think and rationalize a solution to the problem instead of just fighting.

Listen, I don’t want to make anyone feel bad. I’m feeling bad at this very moment, and I don’t want anyone to be passing what I’m feeling right now. But I’m tired from anyone cutting bonds with anyone that disagrees from him, and goes as far as gaslighting them and getting people cancelled because of something stupid like a opinion. People that pretend to be weak do a lot of work behind the scene against those that disagree with them are either evil or really needs to seek professional help. I don’t have any empathy with them and I hope that your acts have serious consequences in their lives.

I legitimately feel fear for someone falsely accusing me of something and then proceed to exploit the system for their own gain. That happened to me before, and I don’t want to feel that again. That’s why I don’t want to talk and expose a lot of myself to other people. I fear them, even my friends I have fear.

I don’t know for how long I will be feeling like this, but I hope it ends as soon as possible.